| I have been thinking. I've never been a big fan of thinking, but it happens subconsciously and I can't shut it down. So here goes...
I just read a xanga entry by my friend and realise that part of his post was a mirror image of my life and my actions. I have been living a lie. I can't go on. I can't continue this life of duality and two-faced lying and cheating people. I apologise to everyone I have ever met for the past 5 years. I am not who you think I am. I am extremely good at hiding my imperfections. I have problems (just like everyone else), but I'm very good at lying, especially to myself. Every time I make a mistake, I tell myself that it's normal, everyone screws up, it's not my fault, and God forgives me (Romans 8:38, I don't think you realise how tightly I cling to these verses). Jesus has conquered the grave so that I won't have to. He has beared the load, the sin of man, and for that I am extremely grateful. (John 3:16-17) BUT, I use it. I abuse this gracious privilege of life and I take it for granted and I use it as an excuse and never apologise for anything I do; and if I do apologise, it's only half-heartedly and usually happens when I'm emotional. I am very suspicious of emotions and I believe that tears and laughter can cover up the real problem. I realise that I have a big problem and I have to deal with it with the help of my friends. I take into account all of you that i consider my friends and I leave you my phone number in case you ever want to talk. I can't continue pretending. I can't keep lying to myself. I can't go on like this forever. I have to do something about it. So, to make a long entry short, I am changing my password and never again entering the realm of my personal xanga and probably the internet altogether. Goodbye. I love you all. 601-291-6908
IN HIS,
Sebastian Clark
p.s. If we don't meet again this side of heaven, make sure you're right.
p.p.s. It is true that the greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return.
p.p.p.s.
I have attempted and failed,
I have strived and been held back.
I am a survivor,
somehow.
Somewhere,
someone
pulls me up by my ears
tells me to LIVE!
"You are ALIVE!,"
He says,
"so start acting like it!"
I was a hopeless case,
now I am swimming in the ocean of
PEACE!
and loving every minute of it.
I have been crucified
with Christ and no longer live,
but Christ LIVES THROUGH ME!
Numbers 9:22
Jesus, I'm ready to come home.
I bid you all farewell and successes in your adventures. |
